*I don’t know how to prove it (from: Alles aus Liebe by Die Toten Hosen).
I was 16 when I lost my virginity to my first “real” boyfriend. I’d had a boyfriend in secondary school for a brief period of time, thinking he liked me, only to find out I had been a bet gone wrong. In high school I kissed a boy and denied him any entrance into my underwear because I didn’t like him enough. But of course, Rocker Boy came along.
We did it missionary-style on his bed, in the dark, in the first few days following my period. I was scared, but elated. It was going to be amazing, romantic, everything we’d dreamed of. I was sacrificing my virginity, that most prized of girly possessions, to his Altar of Manhood. It hurt. It bled. He swore at me for damaging his sheets. He grunted and pushed, heedless of anything but himself. I faked my orgasm so he would stop.
I had sex with my Rocker out of a delusion that he would keep on loving me. I had given him the greatest gift of all, why wouldn’t he? He didn’t. He broke up with me, via telephone, telling me he no longer had time for us. It took me nearly 18 months to even think about vaginal sex with another man (I did, however, give a Polish boy a hard on, left him to jerk off and went to have a heavy petting session with his friend). I waited for the call to return to the Rocker, because in my mind, my big sacrifice was worth something more than the cheap affection I’d received.
In time, I learned to embrace my sexuality. If I could go back and talk to my 16-year-old self, I would tell her to stop prizing something so fickle. A hymen is just a piece of skin. It can tear from riding a bike. That afternoon, lying on my back, still as a statue because he’d told me so, I didn’t lose my virginity. I lost my dignity. I allowed someone to treat me as little more than a piece of meat because I’d convinced myself that it would buy me love.
I will try to keep this blog updated once a week at least, with everything from sexual forays to views on modern feminism and the split of the female self. It’s an ambitious idea, but I’m nothing if not ambitious. So, onwards.
